Operation Shrinkburger
by cactusitude
Summary: America is SHOCKED and DEVASTATED when he realizes his beloved Big Macs are shrinking. Based off a Today Tonight report. Slightly US/UK.


So this is based off a report which was on Today Tonight on Thursday, about how Big Macs have supposedly gotten smaller in the past 25 years. It made me think of America and how OUTRAGED he would be to find his beloved burgers were getting smaller. I actually missed a fair bit of it as I was at the gym, and my snail slow internet won't load the video on the shows website, but I got the gist. Today Tonight is a ridiculous, so bad its good current affairs show. I was always under the impression portion sizes are getting bigger, but I guess Today Tonight knows all :P You can find the video here: (http: / au. todaytonight. yahoo. com/ video#), just take out the spaces and such. It's under "Shrinking Burgers".

This isn't terribly good. FORGIVE ME.

* * *

England was depressed. For once the reason was not his economy, the weather, or even America – it was his national soccer team. Who had tied, once again, against Algeria.

"Bloody Greene. Bloody America. Bloody Algeria." He muttered to himself, face down on his desk. Alfred had been mocking him for days about his goalkeeper's performance. And now the disaster with Algeria… jeez, who the hell was this Algeria guy anyway? He was fairly certain he'd never seen him in any of the comics… wait, what?

Arthur's misery was suddenly interrupted by sounds of commotion outside his office.

"You can't go in there!" yelled the voice of one of the guards he had posted outside his Downing street office, for the express purpose of keeping certain blue eyed, blonde haired, extremely sexy… EXTREMELY NOT SEXY, rather, American men from bothering him with constant demands for attention.

"I NEED TO SEE HIM!" wailed a very familiar, tear choked voice. Sure enough, a few seconds later Arthur's door exploded inwards from the force of a powerful roundhouse kick.

Bollocks. He was going to have to fire those guards.

"ENGLAND! IGGY! ARTIE! IGRISUUUUUU!" wailed Alfred, throwing himself onto Arthur's desk. "IT'S A DISASTER! I'M NOT EVEN OVER DRAMATIZING! I DON'T THINK ANYTHING WORSE HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME! OH EM EFF GEE."

England sighed and stared at his spilt cup of tea, which Alfred had knocked over in his blind misery. "So what is it now, Alfred? Can't fit into your Levi's anymore? Gained half a pound? MTV cancelled _Disaster Date_? Do tell, I'm sure it's a matter of international importance."

"It is!" cried Alfred. "BIG MACS HAVE GOTTEN SMALLER!"

"…" Arthur stared blankly at Alfred's snotty, teary face, before leaning forward to his intercom. "Guards, could you please come escort this man out?"

"No, no, don't kick me out Artie! This is important!"

"How on earth is the size of Big Macs important?"

"Because it's a BIG MAC. It's meant to be BIG. Just like everything about me!" England frowned as he considered the implications of this comment.

"What exactly do you mean, smaller?"

"Australia told me! He has this show, right? It's called Today Tonight, and it's about all the IMPORTANT ISSUES in the world."

"Let me guess. Knowing the high quality of Australia's news reporting, I'm guessing such "important issues" include teenage mothers, Asian gangs, and the price of bananas?"

"Not just that, Artie! They had this report on the other night, about this guy, right? And for 25 years he's been measuring the size of Big Macs. He has VIDEO PROOF that they've gotten smaller since the 80's!"

"….I'm glad to see Australia's citizens are putting their time to good use."

"I know! What an amazing guy! In these uncertain times it's so good that there are people who we can trust to bring out the truth!"

"…Yes. So why are you telling me this?"

Alfred leaned his face in so close to Arthur that he could see the light stubble on his chin. Damn, he smelled good… Oh buggery hell, what was wrong with his thoughts lately?

"Because, Artie," whispered Alfred "I've had my guys at the CIA investigating this since last week, and they're pretty sure it's all a big conspiracy, instigated by some evil, Un-American bastard, to make my beloved Big Macs smaller and LESS DELICIOUS. All the need to do is find out who's behind it, and we can mete out THE FULL MEASURE OF JUSTICE to them."

"…Ok, Alfred. I'd like you to leave. It's fairly clear to me that you have gone absolutely round the bend. GUARDS!"

"Noo Artie! Hear me out here!" wailed Alfred as Arthur's guards burst into the room and grabbed him. "I need your help to bring these people down! I can't do it without you! I know you love McDonalds too! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THE BIG MACS?"

"No, no I don't" sighed Arthur, trying to block out the sounds of Alfred's hysterical yells as he was dragged out of the building. He waited until he was fairly certain he was gone, then picked up his phone and made a call.

"Hello?... Yes, it's me. Look, I need you to check my home and all of No. 10 Downing Street for bugs. And investigate ALL of Mr. Cameron's ministers and aides… You heard me right. ALL of them. He knows about Operation Shrinkburger… I don't know how the hell it happened either. If you discover any spies, kill them immediately… Good. I'm glad you understand. Goodbye."

Leaning back in his chair, England smiled to himself. In spite of this little hiccup, everything was going according to plan. He had successfully been decreasing the portion sizes of America's beloved McDonalds burgers for the past 25 years, and he wasn't planning on stopping any time soon. It wasn't just to keep Alfred's arse from getting saggy. This was REVENGE for Alfred being such an annoying bastard for the past oh, 300 years. Abandoning him, stealing his ideas, never letting him top… wait, what?

Oh yes. Everything was going according to plan.

Da da dum! To be continued? (Lol, actually no)


End file.
